Mac Rogers sent the following notes. Here are my answers, and Laura's response, and my answers to THOSE:
Mac: 1. I think "Corvette" is the wrong word - too much potential for unintentional giggles.
Drew: Really? Is that funny? Does it make you not think of WWII battleships?
Laura: Um. There was a WWII battleship called a Corvette? You don't plan to have any girls watching this movie? You didn't want me to be thinking of Athena as some sort of K.I.T.T on 2 legs?
Drew: well, the car reference I think is fine, I mean it's a bit of a joke to call a person a Corvette-class, but I didn't think it was “unintentional giggles” materials.
Mac: 2. Why does Stahl say it's a free planet?
Drew: I think he's being ironic. But maybe the line has to go away.
Laura: We don't lose anything by cutting this line (other than a little confusion).
Drew: OK, whiners. It's gone. What else do you want?
Mac: 3. Why is Galloway an alchemist? Then he wouldn't need one.
Drew: Maybe he's a low-grade one. Or maybe we just shouldn't make him one at all.
Laura: Yeah, he's not an alchemist. The Xik dropped the trial capsules and they had their evil effects. But when Galloway tried to replicate it, he couldn't. Something like that?
Drew: So now he's a “colonist”. If that's fine with youse.
Mac: 4. In the new model, how do Kyle and Maleyna make love if he's programmed to be revolted by her?
Drew: I think in my little brain the effect doesn't last very long. So that she looks like a corpse, but then fades into real girl.
Laura: Oh. I guess I thought they didn't actually succeed in making her look like a corpse until later. Guess I need to re-read that part.
Drew: it'll be cool. She'll look like a girl, he'll kiss her, he opens his eyes and she's a corpse, he'll close them again and she's a girl again.
Mac: 5. Why does Athena lick Maleyna's cheek?
Drew: To pick up enough DNA to mimic her later.
Laura: Liar. She licks Maleyna's cheek because Drew wants to see some chick cheek-lickin action. Athena doesn't need any DNA from the dead wife, now does she? (That said, I don't care if this stays or goes.)
Drew: no really, she suspects Maleyna is West's daughter, by licking her she can “taste” her DNA. Plus, there's some chick cheek-lickin' and who doesn't love that?
Mac: 6. We don't have the redemptive ending we originally talked about, where West learns the folly of vengeance and forgives Galloway at the end.
Drew: Right. Galloway goes to hell. West goes to hell. The kids survive. They'll go to heaven. Is that OK? I kinda like it.
Laura: I like that West dies instead of living happily ever after; I think that's well foreshadowed in his conversations with the android. But I think Kyle and Maleyna need to be a little more front and center at the end.
Drew: I say that we block it so they're in the second row on the right.
Mac: 7. If Galloway has an implant that controls all the Marshals, why does Stahl give him shit?
Drew: Maybe he shouldn't. I was thinking that Stahl being the only intelligent one could push Galloway just as Babish did. Galloway can't afford to make him insane.
Laura: See below when it comes to Stahl. Perhaps we need another look at his character...
Mac: 8. Why does West go for Stahl's gun if he's in despair?
Drew: Maybe we need an angry moment. I dunno. What think'st Laura?
Laura: What if it happens the other way around? After West puts down the controller, he picks up the gun right away and holds it on Galloway. Galloway then explains everything about his daughter, and West just absently hangs on to the gun. It's only after Stahl shoots him that West even realizes he's armed. Or, maybe best forget the gun altogether and have West stick to the controller and razor death thing.
Drew: Yeah, that last idea might be the best.
Mac: 9. If the mutants are just people, why do they eat Babish and Cub?
Drew: Babish and Cub kill themselves just as Stahl does. But we don't realize it 'till the movie is over. We might need an extended "flashback" moment to explain all that -- and Athena's changes too.
Laura: I think these 2 deaths have to be shot in a very ambiguous way. Cub looks down, obviously fighting something off his leg, takes his last blaster shot and shoots off his own leg. We see mutant children only in his POV. Or something.
Drew: They don't have to be ambiguous. We just can't show that West or Athena's POV being filled with mutants.
10. Stahl's dialogue needs a polish - we don't have a consistent tone for it yet.
Drew: Boo yeah. We wanna make sure too that West talks different from Galloway who talks different from Babish.
Laura: Yeah, I'm still not 100% personally in love with the circumlocution. It's hard for an ordinary actor to do this. And yes, all our actors will be extraordinary, but still in Pandora Machine and Bloodmask we didn't succeed in getting really great, convincing deliveries when the language was deliberately unnatural. I'd rather have this character be about the character than about the way he talks. (does that make sense?)
Drew: You are so wrong. Jason Howard said “You've injured my Nosferatu-Class Neuronecromotron” like nobody's business.
And I can't believe we missed the opportunity to make the pearl-handled straight razor not the weapon which West's wife used to kill herself! Jeezum Crow!
That's been fixed.
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