Sunday, July 29, 2007

Casting form letter.

I've been casting the men in Angry Planet. This is what we sent them:

Dear _______,

This is a formal invitation to you to play the role of _____ in Angry Planet. Please come along and play with us!

RVSP if yes or no (or maybe).



P.S. I made an amusing FAQ which should answer some of your questions:

Q. Give it to me straight, what are we doing? A. This is an extreme-low-budget, non-SAG production. There's no pay up front, but there's a schedule of payments on the back end that would kick in if the film sells really well.

Q. What's the time commitment for this part in days? _____ days.

Q. Is there nudity in this part? A. No.

Q. But my ass looks really good and I've always wanted to do a nudie cowboy space picture. A. We'll talk. See me privately.

Q. Oh no, Drew wrote this F.A.Q. and now I have to endure a bunch of irrelevant text which is just his private commentary on the F.A.Q. itself? A. Yes.

Q. When are we shooting? A. September and into October. We will be shooting weekdays as well as weekends. Right now there are no "overnights" scheduled.

Q. Do you have an exact schedule yet? A. No. Scheduling is dependent upon locations and actor's schedules (like yours).

Q. So you can work around my schedule? I do have a flexible day-job but I need to go to work to make money to pay the rent. A. Yes. Give us details of your conflicts and we'll make a schedule which works for everyone.

Q. Where are we shooting? A. We're shooting at some locations in New York City and a rock quarry in New Jersey.

Q. Look, I'm a New Yorker so I have a MetroCard, maybe I'm even willing to take a train out to Bushwick, but how am I getting to freakin' Jersey? A. We'll reimburse for trains or buy tickets, and pick you up at the station, it will be a fun ride out to the "country."

Q. Will I get fed? A. Yes. Sometimes we might even get fed well. If you have a particular dietary requirement or beverage desire, tell us what they are.

Q. Is this movie a good way to meet girls? A. Have you even read the script? There are no girls in it.

Q. I have the new-found dread that I have to come up with my own costume, don't I? A. Maybe. Probably. At least part of it. We'll have some things, but not everything. Again, we'll discuss. We have some pieces and things for some costumes but we need to save money for food. Do you have a nice tutu? Pink?

Q. Is movie-making all about the food on set? A. Technically, it's about the coffee, but food is very important.

Q. Will there be a makeup artist? I have to look extra pretty. A. No. You're responsible for your own non sfx makeup. We will have some powder on set, however, to dust you down should you start to "glow".

Q. I just realized that you're making a movie like off-off-off Broadway theater. I'm going to be sweeping the floor, aren't I? A. How are you at gaffing? Can you do craft services? There are some openings in the art department...

Q. Where is the latest version of the script? A.

Q. Do I die a gristly death? A. Your death is ghastly. Big difference.

Q. How do I die? A. You are devoured by mutants. Actually, a bullet to the head. Oh heck. I don't remember. Look at the script again. Oh, you die by ________________

Q. OK, I'm in. A. I knew you'd say that.

Q. Do I get a gun? A. If you do, it'll be a big one!

Q. What is your business plan for this picture? A. We're casting you in it, waiting for you to become a huge movie star, and then cashing in.

Q. You're blogging about me, aren't you? A. http.//

A. What is your directing style? A. "Hit your mark, say your line, quit yer whining."

Q. Oh good, I was afraid you were one of those directors who didn't know how to communicate with actors. A. What? I'm sorry, were you saying something?

A. Enough about you, what about me? Can I get material for my reel? A. Stop by any time and demand scenes as we're editing and we'll roll them off for you.

Q. Who all is acting in this movie? A. A bunch of bad actors. You're the only good one. Thank goodness you're here. Don't tell the others I said that about them. I have to keep up the ruse that they're as wonderful as you. Please, please don't ever leave me.

Q. We're not really making a movie. This is all the beginning of some kind of weird cult, isn't it? Or perhaps a sick co-dependent relationship. I just don't have the room for you in my life! A. I'm promising you a future of aliens and androids, what more do you want?

Q. OK, OK, I give in! What do I need to do next? A. send me your measurements (shoe size, pants, shirt, jacket) if you haven't already.

Q. Do you love me, do you really love me? A. Yes. You and you alone. Don't tell the others. I haven't told them yet that you're the only one for me.

Q. This F.A.Q. has actually found a way to get weirder. What's next? A. Don't worry, we're almost done.

Q. What's up with your last movies? A. If you haven't checked them out yet, here are trailers for our previous two films. http.// Pandora Machine is still available at some Blockbusters and on Netflix. Millennium Crisis has sold pretty well overseas and should be available on US home video early next year.


Chance Shirley said...

I'm totally stealing this and sending it out to actors in the future. I mean, assuming I ever recover from INTERPLANETARY enough to make another movie.

Andrew Bellware said...

I think the answer "You will be devoured by mutants" could really apply to most anything.