How to Direct a Feature Film

The first and most important step in directing a feature is to have crazy director hair. Crazy director hair is critical to managing your image as a genius. There is no reason for anyone to doubt your decision making "process" when you have crazy director hair.

The second most important thing to have is an all-but-incomprehensible foreign accent. It doesn't have to be an entirely accurate accent -- for instance now I'm using a cross between a bad Italian and bad Russian accent -- but it helps when you say pretentious things like "All film is a dream. Each frame is a frame of our unconscious."
Really once you've mastered the crazy director hair and the pretentious foreign accent everything else is window dressing.